Meet My Hyperfixation: Jason & Comment Threads
What is this? What’s happening? Am I writing something? It feels wrong. I don’t know what to do with my hands. Claude, are you there? Claude??
Claude’s not here. We’ll press on anyway.
My hyperfixation is reading comment threads. Pull up the tritest Instagram post, the driest Substack article, the most mundane Google business profile—in the comments section, you will find gold. You will find the glory and the horror of humanity.
Because each online forum attracts a different audience, the comments have a different essence from site to site. I present to you now the fruit of my research so far: a taxonomy of the major commenters you may encounter if you join me (although I really don’t recommend it) in scrolling through every notion anyone’s ever posted on the internet.
Yahoo News
Name: Rick
Age: 57
Strengths: Steely-eyed gaze
Weaknesses: Gentle parenting
Notable Quote: “Sheer INCOMPETENCE. Some simply don’t have the drive to do better. You now who you are.”
5-Year Plan: Finish wiring the bunker; wait for Labubu collection to appreciate
Guilty Pleasure: A good cry during Top Gun: Maverick
Substack
Name: Ismael
Age: 38
Strengths: Effortless good cheer
Weaknesses: Leaving stones unturned; reading the room
Notable Quote: “Before we get into mitochondrial repair as such, let’s do a quick review of the relevant molecular physics.”
5-Year Plan: Annoy everyone; save the world
Guilty Pleasure: Veering out of the bike lane for a second
Name: Rebecca
Age: 42
Strengths: Ennui; contract law
Weaknesses: Admitting she has them
Notable Quote: “Your comment is like if Dunning-Kruger and Stockholm Syndrome had a baby.”
5-Year Plan: Minotaur romance novels; prescribed psychotropics
Guilty Pleasure: Googling “Joe Rogan shirtless”
TikTok
Name: Kayden
Age: 17
Strengths: Poofiness of hair; resilience to criticism
Weaknesses: 15-second reading comprehension limit
Notable Quote: “That shit toxic af bruh ngl.”
5-Year Plan: Vibe; farm aura; work up to the 5% vapes
Guilty Pleasure: A hug from mom
Twitter/X
Name: James
Age: 30
Strengths: Sports statistics; giving up
Weaknesses: Heartburn
Notable Quote: “I never want to see [insert player name] in a [insert team name] jersey again.”
5-Year Plan: Launch podcast; appeal Buffalo Wild Wings lifetime ban
Guilty Pleasure: Meeting the RDA for vitamin C
New York Times
Name: Amara
Age: 54
Strengths: Remembering what portmanteau means
Weaknesses: Touching grass
Notable Quote: “If the categories of analysis cannot be relied upon, the structure of critique itself comes under challenge.”
5-Year Plan: Publish novel; perfect tomato galette recipe
Guilty Pleasure: Ignoring Columbia’s alumni fundraising
Do you have a hyperfixation we can exploit for the company’s amusement? Our superstar PM Margo would be happy to put you on the draft list! Let her know! Like, right now!